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Kahoru Pendragon
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:52 pm
edited
Kahoru Pendragon
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Sun Apr 14, 2019 9:55 am
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Mon Apr 15, 2019 2:46 am
Hey there. Sorry for the wait. I know it’s been a little bit so I’ll get right to it.

Please give me more of a description for your time as a Genin and your time as a Chuunin. Particularly a mission or some other important event that led to Genki becoming more proficient in quick decision making in the field or being acknowledged for some type of leadership quality perhaps. Also several sentences in your history, specifically pertaining to the jounin exams, seem to be basically cut and pasted from earlier on where you mention the chuunin exam.


I’m gonna be honest here. We can keep working on this until think it looks good enough, or you can pretty much leave it as it is now and go for a Chuunin spot instead which is what I would recommend for you. Either way I’ll be glad to help so let me know what you decide. Cheers
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Mon Apr 15, 2019 10:09 am
edited
Hikari Namikaze
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Mon Apr 15, 2019 5:07 pm
Hey, I guess Alice and I are tag teaming this now.

So, if you still want to be Jounin, I am going to have to ask that you expand more about how you obtained the rank of Jounin. You basicly just say "Then, it was time for the Jounin exams. Genki made it to the finals, but lost to his older brother" Which is very similar to how your charcater obtained the rank of Chunin. Honestly I would prefer you actually came up with another way for you to of obtained the rank all together, since Hoshigakure doesn't really have a tournament like structure to their Jounin exams. In the past, Jounin have been ranked up based on their deeds on missions, or in the further past (About 2 years ago or so.) Was done by challangeing a master rank (Kage level) shinobi to a spar and defeating them without killing them. I'm not going to hold you to that, but I would like to see some more on this subject.
Hikari Namikaze
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Mon Apr 15, 2019 7:26 pm
Hey, I saw you edited and figured you may of just forgotten to bump. So lets get into the meat of this!

Appearance Your appearnce is Ok, but I have a quick question for you about it. You mention in your paragraph 'On the necklace is the three-tomoe Sharingan.' First, I assume you mean the symbol of a three tome Sharingan? Also, if your character craives power like it hints at later in the app, why does he openly advertises that he is amoung the Uchiha clan like that? Since his last name isn't Uchiha, I would assume that he would be attempting to hide his clan lienage as to not give his enemies info on him. You don't have to change that if you wish not to, but just a thought to have.


Personality: So, as a DND Chick, I know what you mean when you say "He really likes to escape reality and likes to build alternate worlds." but would you mind expanding on that to say in his RPGs? Since you now have the Space Time spec, people might mistake that and think you mean alternate dimensions, which we can't have in this app just yet.

In your this paragraph, you also mention about how your charcater was considered toxic, mind going into that a bit more? What actions did he preform that made people think he was toxic? Why did he do such toxic activities? Did he think that it was ok? Did he just not care about what others thought of him? What happened to make him less toxic?


History - Paragaph 1: So, not a requirement to fix, but just something to think about ot make this app look better. In it you mention that Genki's brother was 3 years younger than him, and Genki was always in that brothers shadow. Are you sure you don't mean older? Makes more sense to me personally, but as I said, this isn't a requirement to change.


In this paragraph, you also mention that when he was younger he was at the ninja academy. Would you mind giving an age range to this? The reason why I ask is because Hoshigakure is still a fairly new village, only having been birthed about 4-5 years ago or so. As such, it might make sense if this was happening while your character was 12 or 13, but not so much if he was 6 or 7.

I'm sorry, I missed the age part of the academy thing. Mind changing it to when he was 12 or 13 to fit in our timeline better?

Also, I just want to point out since we have had issues with this in the past. You mention your willingness to become a wanderer to protect the village, but if you wish to become one, you would need to get permision from your kage IC before doing that. (Which I think is me right now, so it is a possiblity if everything goes well.)

History - Second Paragraph: So, I would prefer if you changed your method on how you ranked up to Chunin here as well, but right now I am not going to require it. It is basicly unheard of for a tournament to be what decides if one ranks up to Chunnin or not, however Hoshi has had a tournament in the past, and part of Hoshigakrue's Chunin exams is combat with others of their rank, so the way you are saying you ranked up isn't completely out of the realm of possiblity, but is very unlikely. I may change my mind and require you to change it later, but if you wish you can keep it this way for now.

History - Paragraph 3: Why exactly did he see value in his comarade from just because he healed his wounds? Surely at this point if Genki was wise he knew that some people specalized in certain areas and were valuable in that regard? How about adding a bit of a story to this to have it make more sense, like maybe his ally put himself into harms way to heal Genki? Maybe Genki thought that the wound was impossible to heal and he was a dead man, but his ally was able to save him? There is alot of directions you could go with this.

Going to ask you to take out the part about awakening your Mangegenko sharingan, as MS isn't something we allow players to start out with even if you have the WC for it. I may have other words about this if you decide to keep this story in. Also, why exactly was Genki given a promotion for a tree crushing a missing ninja? Did he lie and say he defeated the rouge? I'm dying for details.


Lets Hoshi this bad boy up a bit! From what I have been reading, I honestly feel like this is more of a Konoha or even possibly a Kirigakure application rather than one of Hoshi. Hoshigakure has a long history of its civilians and shinobi population buttting heads. I'll spare you the details and give you the TLDR for now: Haven Country has a vocal and strong religious population who belive that ninja arts is basicly  militarized of demonic magic, and treat those who use it as demons themselves. However, due to Haven's lack of major military force, they kept getting raided by bandits and MN until eventualy the Royal Family elected to start up a shinobi program. While this was needed for their survival, the civilian population hated it, and treat those that practice the art as monsters. How does your character react to this?


Just a few things to start us off with. Bump when you have finished these updates.
Kahoru Pendragon
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:21 am
Edit (getting into D&D myself)
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Thu Apr 18, 2019 9:01 am
Bump
Hikari Namikaze
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Thu Apr 18, 2019 7:58 pm
Hey, sorry for the hold up.

I would still like to see more details about Hoshi in this, you make a slight refrence at the very start and don't really touch it again. (Which as a Jounin, you probably would of had to deal with them alot.)

What caused Genki to become a Shinobi, even though everyone around him was probably pressuring him not to?

When he had heard the news of Kirigakure's conquest of Konha, he didn't seem to mind because he realized that villages can regrow themselves and just because they lost their Kage doesn't mean they can't rebuild. A little bit confused what this line is doing here. How exactly does it impact your character?


Bump when ready.
Kahoru Pendragon
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Genki Rones - Page 2 Empty Re: Genki Rones

on Fri Apr 19, 2019 8:26 am
Bump
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